Tumbling Apart

I have given up too much of my personal power, my own sovereignty to others without realizing it. I’ve been depending too much on the approval and words of others to make myself feel better that I’ve adversely affected relationships that were precious to me and now it feels like everything is falling apart, at least when it comes to my heart and the connections it had developed. Now I feel like I’ve lost my voice and my right to be heard. I don’t know if it’s justified or not, but I am now scared to speak.

Time to center and re-ground and re-build and build anew, I guess. But also learning the value of silence and calming cool winds at the hottest time of the year and purifying effects of water. I think often of rivers and the water that lies far beneath my feet in the aquifer. I long for storms to break the heat.

I myself have been going through a period of transformation. Part of this has included coming out as transgender at work and changing my name to one that I prefer. I’m needing to say goodbye to who I was in previous times and embrace the man who I will become. Transformation, oddly enough, also involves a lot of waiting.

When I look at my life right now, there is a lot that is good. My workplace is wonderful place for coming out as transgender and the people who did the trainings did them wonderfully, focusing first on diversity in the workplace and then introducing transgender people, saying it was more about identification than what was under my clothing. I may have been the first trans man they had done it for, but they had done their research and I was not their first transgender employee.

I wish I could say thanks to those brave trans women who went before me, making my transition at work much easier than it would’ve been otherwise.

My mother and father are supportive of my choices. My mother has even told me that she will stand with me when it comes to her family and any problems they might have with me transitioning. I am blessed in many parts of my life offline. It’s not easy, but things are good and going well.

Yet, I’m still feeling like I’m falling apart. My heart hurts and I try to focus on the good things to keep going, but the healing is hard and sometimes I don’t know what to do other than wait. For what, I don’t know, but this feeling cannot last forever.

Veles asks me to trust him right now and to heal.

It’s not easy, but I think I have the strength to get through this. I hope so at least. Going inside, into the underworld and into the labyrinth is not something one takes lightly.