I’ve been spending over a year trying to get my head straight. A lot has happened, but during that entire time I’ve been grieving. Some of it in some very unhealthy ways because letting go can be hard sometimes. I did accomplish a lot, particularly in the area of transitioning, but I think part of me did it in the sense of “screw you, I don’t need your support to do these things”. I also managed to do some really fun things too this year as well. There are also things I wanted to get accomplished and didn’t get accomplished, but that’s okay.
I’m turning 30 soon.
Not entirely sure how I feel about that, though I don’t feel like a failure. I don’t have any particular feelings about it other than that I still probably have at least three more decades of stuff and since so much has happened in the three decades that I’ve already had, there’s still time. After all, if a historian can’t take a long view of things, then maybe they’re in the wrong profession and I’ve decided to apply that long view to my own life.
(There are things that have happened in my parent’s lifetime that they never thought they’d see: the end of the cold war and a black man being elected president of the USA amongst other things. What is status quo when you’re born is not always going to be the the status quo when you die. Let’s just hope that it’s for the better.)
But I’m still trying to get my head on straight. Like getting back to writing. I really need to do that. It’s part of my devotional work, but the desire to write is not an easy thing for me anymore, especially when I no longer am able to get the feedback that I used to get. I need to learn to write longer pieces for myself. Snippets of scenes happen from time to time, but longer pieces are…I just wish I had people to show my writing to again.
At least Veles has stayed with me even though I’ve been an idiot and some of my friends are returning as I make amends when I am able to. So not all has been lost. And I think I can come to peace with things.
Of Frost and Starry Nights 